I'm lost, I need some direction...

Well it's 3:16 in the morning and I can't sleep. I honestly forgot all about my blog. Not that anybody reads it anyway. I guess I just keep putting stuff on it because sometimes it's therapeutic to just write. Especially at times like this were it seems as if I'm the only person alive.

Well let's start tonight session with how much I really am not enjoying college life at Defiance. I don't really enjoy playing basketball anymore. It's more of a job than something I love to do. I'm seriously thinking about quitting after we go to Las Vegas. I just want to enjoy life and enjoy the people the Lord has put around me. I feel that I'm missing out on so many good times with my friends. I get on facebook and look at their pictures and I see that everyone of them are together doing the stuff I used to do with them.

I have more fun with those guys than anybody here at DC. The atmosphere here is terrible. Everybody is so negative. I know that I just kind of contradicted myself but I try to make my days fun. I try to have fun and joke with some of the people here but it just seems pointless.

I also feel like my relationship with God is struggling. There is really no stimulation for me here. Nobody to challenge me here. I believe that is because of the few Christians I have talked to, they seem to come to me for advice and look to me for leadership. Nobody here really pushes me and keeps me accountable. There really only two people that keep me in check and that is Tommy, my youth pastor and very good friend, and my wonderful, beautiful, and special girlfriend Ashley. I don't know where I'd be without either of them. There are nights when I will just sit in bed with my Bible and a highlighter ready for what God says to me but nothing really impacts me and that scares me. Why am I not getting anything out of it? I find lots of awesome verses but nothing seems to really get that fire in my heart going. It sucks. It's like I'm floating around from day-to-day without any purpose to what I'm doing. I need purpose. Purpose drives me.

This semester has been very difficult for me. I've had some problems at home that are out of my control but I wish they weren't so I could fix things. Then comes basketball and let me say that this is the worst I've played overall for as long as I can remember. I came back here ready to start but my mind has been other places and I think that has affected my play. On top of that, I didn't always go to class and those times have caught up with me and my grades this semester are going to be terrible but I deserve that for being lazy.

I realized this semester that I want to be a family counselor though, which is a huge positive. Earlier, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with myself. I can't imagine a more honorable profession than helping other people with their problems, whether it's emotional, physical, or spiritual. Helping and especially loving other people is something, as a Christian, I am called to do and it feels great to do it but it's extremely hard. Lately, I have made a conscious effort to not put people in different categories. I say to myself that we are all children of God and he loves everyone no more and no less than the next despite what our society says.

I miss life. I feel like I have so much more to offer to people. My soul is screaming to get out of here (meaing DC) but I'm afraid of leaving because honestly, I don't know what God wants me to do. I feel like a single lit flame burning solitarily. A flame that was extremely bright when I arrived here but slowly the oxygen is being sucked out of me. Ashley is the only thing really recharging me. She's the reason I go home as much as possible. I need to be around her. She gives me life. God, I need you too. I need direction, more than ever. What do you want me to do?

Wow, this has gotten a lot longer that I expected. I'll leave you with this song by Coldplay. Their lyrics describe how I feel throughout the week. Night all.

Amsterdam

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If I, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited,
I've got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
It's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And time is on your side
It's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets

Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
You came along
And you cut me loose

You came along
And you cut me loose
You came along
And you cut me loose